Love Cynic

Ok so i am strapped in front of my computer after giving myself a stern warning not to so much as look up till i have successfully updated my blog. I need to work on getting that PA seriously, the closest i've come is getting my friends to chat for me...hope they dont read this though. Meanwhile the subject of my last rant is still acting her one man drama. Updates on that later. To the matter at hand...love matters.

Lately i have become a cynic (i was always the realist though but i think i'm being pushed over the edge) especially when it comes to love. I have just become so disillusioned with it that i have decided i can do without it. Dont get me wrong o, i'm not about to dash off to the pound and pick myself up a litter of kittens. I'm not saying i want to be the spinster-aunty forever knitting horrible sweaters nobody likes. I'm just not holding out for the Derek-meredith-you-make-my-world-stop kinda love. I've since modified my standards. I'm looking for a friend, a companion. Even God realised Adam needed a companion, not some hot babe that mad him go ga-ga. Well he did have nothing to compare her to. So i want to meet a nice guy, we become friends and one day decide to take it to the next level, nip into the registry, sign the dotted lines, make 3 cute babies and live happily ever after. Who cares about butterflies in the stomach and "seeing into me" Dude better have a steady 9-5, be "lookable" for the sake of my CUTE children, fear God and not make me want to pull my hair out.

Now how did i get this way abi? I mean up till early this year i was still crying when watching Grey's Anatomy and Love Happens and all those "branding love" movies. Infact i blame the movie industry for driving me over the edge, where in the world am i going to find Mcdreamy unless i crawl into Shonda Rhimes' head and she spits me into an episode of GA? I mean the dude is deevine looking, has better hair than i do, he's a rich neurosurgeon that should look at me like i'm the only thing in the world. Infact i'm emotionally scarred now, i should sue!

Real life isnt any better, i havent been in a relationship in a year and i havent "met" anyone else. I've been content with trying to make myself a better person and "learning to love myself" (cliche i know) but the thing is in the midst of all this i'm getting notifications everyday A is married, B is engaged, C is in a realtionship, D batted her eyes at E and the like. For a moment i felt something like i wanted a part of that but when i sat down to ask myself what it was i wanted i realised that the images that popped into my head werent of me waking up beside my Adonis for the rest of my life, but rather they were of me designing THE DRESS with my good friend Vera Wang or strolling into Cartier to get my rock. I wanted to have a wedding the same way you sometimes feel like having a party, i wasnt thinking about a marriage. In lawyer speak i was looking to the form and not the substance, when the substance is everything. Some people get married and the next day i can almost picture them going "ok, what next?" There's no what next, that's it, that's the rest of your life and you'd better be damn sure it's one that you can live with.

I'll illustrate my point with several random cases.

Case 1
Boy and girl have been dating for years. Girls concludes masters abroad, boy comes over for graduation and proposes. Girl is already picking out wedding dresses. Boy visits Ex-girl while in London. Ex-girl's best friend tells Ex-girl to be careful cos Boy proposed to girl, Ex-girl says it's not true, Boy came to London just to see her.
Funfact: Boy used to beat ex-girl and apparently beats Girl. Me? surprised. Boy is my friend and seems like a really nice person.

Case 2
Boy chases reluctant girl. Girl gives in. Boy says i love you, Girl says i love you. Boys says ur my soulmate and God told me u'll be my wife. Girl is estatic, tells friends. Almost one year on, Boy calls Girl up, says I'm sorry, have met soulmate and the woman God wants me to marry and i love her. Girl is heartbroken, she trusted Boy. Tells me, should i wait for boy? let him know i'm here for him if he wants me back? Me? (want to smack her in head, u nuts?) Instead lovingly say No, you shouldn't, u'll meet better guy.

Case 3
Boy meets Girl. Boy nuts about Girl. Boy chases Girl for 2 years, with grand displays of love, one featuring yours truly. Girl is sad, wishes she loved Boy as much as Boy loves her, says there is no "spark" Me: Boy is nice, good guy, give Boy chance, might grow to love Boy. Girl agrees, dates Boy. Boy is perfect boyfriend. Months later Girl dumps Boy, still no "spark"

So tell me, why wont i be a cynic?

Familiarity breeds silly people - A Rant

Happy New year my people

If they had told me i would start the blogging year with a rant i would have said a vehement NO but here i am about to proceed on a rant that will be full of grammatical errors and typos i will not even bother to correct bcos i am just so....i cant find the word, i will use "full" like i'm about to burst.

Why are people so shortsighted that they cannot see beyond the tip of their nose? Why will people go and knock on the devil's door and say "Satan biko, pls let me be your instrument to derail Sister Neo from the path of her righteousness" Why why why? I swear the next time i hear a person say "it was the work of the devil" I will cast the first stone.

This was why i wanted to leave facebook in the first place, it is just an avenue for some pple to come and say rubbish to you in the name of "friendship"

Incident One
It all started with this guy in my school, we met through a forum for Nigerian students which i incidentally started (when i go learn abi?) Anyways we became "friends" on facebook. When i took my braids out, i just combed my hair out into a huge 'fro and my friend took a pic of me and i uploaded it as my profile pic, a lot of my friends teased me about it cos yes if i had gone out like that people would have given me concerned looks even in this anything-goes-London. So this my new "friend" now decided to comment on the pic. First he was like wow, Faze should have used u for his kolomental vid, at that point i woulda just laughed it off and replied that he wasnt serious or something. No o, that one no do am, the next second he followed his comment with another quip about him having an Uncle that works with NHS psychiatrics and would hook me up. I was like see me see wahala o, from where to where? My friend was like i should "defriend" him but i was like how would he learn so i nicely commented that we had not progressed to the next level of friendship that would give him the swipe card to making expensive jokes as to my sanity or lack thereof. He was immediately contrite and sent me a msg apologizing and also deleted his comments.

Incident Two
There is this blessed daughter of Christ (in my new resolve to speak only edifying words about people) we were in the same class in Uni. We were not chummy but at least we said hello and spoke when the need arose. Now her boyfriend who also went to Uni with us is in my PG class, so we roll in the same circles. This large circle decided to roll together to see a movie and have dinner last week. Long story short, the pics ended up on FB. There was a pic of him with another guy and his loving blessed girlfriend who is in Nig and missing her BF commented something like this:

BDC(Blessed...): Awww i almost forget wat its like to see u smile
Random person: ............C has a funny laugh
Neo: This C that laughs like Naruto?
BDC: Monkey no fine but im mama like am so...Neo u of all ppl should know that.

it's like, as in? Wetin come bring about that one? I saw the comment early this morning but i was like hmn, ok let me not blow a possibly innocent statement out of proportion. My friends who saw it were annoyed on my behalf and suggested i should ask her what that meant. In my New Year resolve to be the bigger person i replied,

"why should i of all people know, i have no "monkeys" in my closet"

I joked about it with my friends all day, only for me to sign in this evening and realize that she had commented on the pic again. Now it was

"@ Neo: i comment my reserve"

And i'm like ok, there's nothing innocent about this one again o. Wetin i do this babe abeg? I cant even say i am close enough to her BF for her to think i am putting the moves on him (that on its own is a laughable concept to me sef) and the boy really laughs like Naruto, i tell him anytime he laughs. So which one is she now taking panadol on top his headache, she for wait small make them put ring for im finger now.

The most absurd part of it is like soem other guy commented that she was there missing her man when he had been razzling jand babes and he had pics to prove it, the idiot, sorry blessed child could not attack that one o, all she said was "boys will be boys" Imagine that. I'm so riled up now that i want to slap somebody and i have never even slapped somebody before.

Anyways we learn everyday, if i had not been shinning my 31 teeth (my last molar has refused to come out o) with all these people would all this have happened? Ehn? So it is my fault that i am ranting on my blog on the first week of the new year about one inconsequential person.

So please forgive me my people, i hope to return in a better mood.

PS: i actually left FB on the 1st for a record breaking five minutes...lol. Apparently when u "leave", to come back all u have to do is sign back in. Now how does that help an "addict" like myself. Its like telling an alcoholic just to screw the cap on tightly. Hiss. Who can blame me?

Unchristmassy Christmas???

Its been over a week since my last update, it's not that i havent had stuff to write about, I AM JUST TOO LAZY TO TYPE! I honestly wouldnt mind a volunteer PA that i could dictate my posts to. Maybe that's what i should ask Santa for instead of my page long wishlist.

Anyways it's the holidays and i'm not feeling Christmassy yet, if i was back in Nig, i would probably have left Lagos for PH, would have sat down with my siblings to snicker at my Mum's "assorted" Christmas decor. At Christmas my house often looks like its been decorated by a schizophrenic dwarf, all that low hanging garish christmas garb. We hardly have the heart to tell my mother they make the house look awful, well sometimes we do and she goes on and on about it being her house and she can decorate it as she pleases, either that or she asks you to buy her a 20grand christmas tree. So we often let that sleeping dog lie.

It's been ages since we had one of those big family christmases, everyone would sleep over and then by 6 we'd be up, the boys freezing drinks, killing the goat and the chicken (threatening the dog too) and the girls washing a ton of rice in this big pot you could cook us all in. For the rest of the day, the house would be like a soup kitchen with people trawling in and out, from neighbours, to family friends, to villagers in town for christmas and before you know it the ton of rice would be gone before we even had a taste. Not that we really minded cos as kids then everybody else's mother's food tasted better than yours or maybe it was just longthroat.

There was this thing my neighbourhood kids used to do, we'd make a list, we used to call it a "promise book", with all we wanted for christmas and then take it round to older people who would sign it either promising to buy something on the list for us or give us some money towards it. Those were the times, now i have decided to compare a typical 8year old Neo promise book with her 25 year old counter part.

7 year old Neo
Hausa Slippers
Barbie Diary
Disco light canvass
Roller skates
Jansport backpack
Toy cooking set S
Darling curls braid (usually to Mother) Mulberry bag

24 year old Neo
500 pound ASOS voucher
Blackberry Storm 2
Samsung 12.2MP camera with smile detection
Converse All Star Light Ox
Lolita Lempicka perfume
14" Brazillian weave

I like to think i havent changed much, just advanced with the times. Lol. You know the best part about my wishlist? Wishes do come true, Santa: I believe!

Anyways i'm spending christmas at my friend's just me, another friend, my friend and her two sisters. Plenty of estrogen abi? My flatmates have all gone to their homes and i miss them, well not so much them as their familiar noises and smells (cigarette smoke in the corridors) We werent the whole "oh-we're-the-best-flatties-ever!" but we did get along. Plus i didnt get to see the Taiwanese guy before he left, hope he sha brings me back some of that pineapple cake he gave me the other time. Anyways i ramble. School is deathly quiet save the now familiar sound of luggage tires rolling along the concrete. Sigh.

This week promises to be fun, its my friends birthday on Tuesday and we have lotsa stuff planned, a trip to seaworld, dinner, paintballing (i hear those things sting like mad, must not get shot!) and ice skating at Hyde Park (i plan to cheer them from the sidelines, last one was not fun! Nothing fun about falling flat on ur ass so many times u start to look feeling on ur cheeks) Details coming soon, but in the very likely event i do not blog before then MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAVE A WONDERFUL NEW YEAR IN ADVANCE.

P.S: If you havent, please go see Law Abiding Citizen, my mouth was literally open the entire time. I loved it and not just bcos i got to see Gerard Butlers butt! But oh what a butt!

That Four letter word in Red!

What did you think? Love? Nah, that one doesnt get me as excited as this one. I love a sale. Its not just because its cheaper because for me when i really love something and i can just about squeeze it i'll buy it, instead of stalking the shop to see if it has gone on sale. I love to shop, riffling through sales racks is like a treasure hunt and sometimes you find a real treasure!

I decided to do a post about sale, shopping and (most) women the other day, i was in traffic and just staring out the window when i saw this men's shop doing a massive closing down sale. Everything was 10 pounds and i mean everything and there were huge sale signs everywhere, some of the displays were even outside, i could even see this nice puffer jacket and i was like What!!! Strangely though, the store wasnt that full, there were just a couple of guys milling about, some would stop, look at the display and just continue walking. I couldn't believe it, infact i almost got off the bus just out of loyalty to the big red SALE sign. Why are men so retail-challenged (for lack of a better word)? Dont you feel the thrill from shopping? I even love the anxiety of buyer's remorse cos anytime i feel it, all i have to do is take out those lovely shoes, try them on and do a Beyonce in front of the mirror to remind myself why i fell in love with them in the first place.

Anyways, back to the point, i imagined that this was a store that sold stuff for women on a massive SALE like that. There was traffic on that road right? It wouldnt have compared to the one that would have occured if indeed that had been the case. Women love a SALE, a bargain. We love to buy cheap nice stuff and then gloat about it to the unfortunate ones who were not there to cash in on the action, e.g
Girl A: I love your bag, its so nice
Girl B: *hikes bag higher onto shoulder* Thanks o, i got it on sale for 10
Girl A: *shrieks* It's a lie! 10 ke. Ah B, ur a bad friend o, and you didnt call me
Girl B: But you were writing finals that day now
Girl A: Ehen, so? I could have finished earlier

Lol! Ok maybe i exaggerated that a tad, but you catch my drift. Anyways i'm stuck here for Christmas so i plan to make the most of it. After a nice Christmas dinner with my fellow unfortunately-i'm-here-for-Christmas friends, i plan to retire to bed early, wake up promptly by 5am Boxing day and be on Oxford Circus by 6am. Yes, laugh all you want now, you wont be laughing when i'm sporting my new threads, hehehe. Plus i need the retail therapy to help me get over the depressing thoughts of missing Christmas with my family (who would be cruel enough to deny me that?)

In other news, i've been trying to get a holiday job for a while now,(all those stuff wont pay for themselves) i went for an interview at Abercrombie and Fitch yesterday and that in itself was an experience. The store is tucked away in one obscure corner and it took my friend and I, 30 minutes to find it. First there was no advertising whatsoever, my friend actually pointed out this place with a lot of people in the foyer, including one semi naked man! I was like "yeah right, does that look like a store?" How wrong was I! That was the place. We went inside and it was like a club, complete with dim lighting, loud music and tons of people and i was like "seriously?" They use models instead of mannequins which i think is pretty cool cos a mannequin cant tell you about the merchandise they're displayin plus some of those things are really scary. Anyways there were just a lot of hot, young, blonde men some of whom were missing a shirt.

I finally found the office and went for my interview. My friend and i were looking all "i'm-professional-you-should-hire-me" and everyone else was in flannel shirt and jeans. I started to feel like a royal family secretary with a stick up her ass! Honestly those people have hit the jackpot, with no media advertising whatsoever, the staff is basically it. Why spend millions on advertising when you can pay a bunch of college kids minimun wage to do it for you and it works. You shoulda seen the number of girls in that store! Lol.

On my mind

Lately i've had a lot on my mind and today i made the desicion to stop worrying about the things i cannot change (such as other people) and change the things i can (me) Very few people understand me and even those who do, do not fully comprehend me. I like to think that i am not a complicated person, in fact i have convinced myself that i am as simple as a 5 year old's artwork and it's everyone else around me that can be likened to a Michelangelo painting, in other words my simplicity is a complexity in a world of complexity (if that makes any sense) This might end up being a bit of a rant (indulge me please)

I am this bubbly, class clown persona, the one that can mimic everyone else and make people laugh but a lot of people fail to realise that first and foremost that's not the person i am. I like to make people laugh but i am still the one that just wants to sit quietly sometimes and take in the world and those moments should not be shattered simply because you're wondering why my jester's cap is not on. I love silence and my solitude sometimes and in this crazy city the best i can get is those precious moments when i'm alone in my room. I miss Enugu (i went to law school there) The campus was huge with a lot of open spaces and trees and sometimes i would just take walks with my iPod in my ears and sing as loud as my voice would allow. It was such a release and i havent had one of those in ages.

I hate to be put in a box, i try not to put others in a box so the least i expect from others is the same. Do not friggin put me in a box. Just because i went to Unilag doesnt mean i should wear my knickers on my head and dance on table tops. Sheesh! Generalization is the worst form of ignorance i tell you and i cant stick it, i wont say i've been completely innocent of this but i make a conscious effort not to generalize.

I hate it when people think they know everything and have an opinion on everything, a suggestion for how everything should be done.

I hate it when people don't learn from their mistakes and live their lives in that vicious cycle and in seeming oblivion, I'm like "when are you going to wake up?" Don't you friggin recognize that this is the same track you've been on and it has only one destination. Short of living your life for you, i don't know what else i can do. If you want to dangle you finger over the self destruct button i choose not to be collateral damage.

So this is who i am, as my friend would say "U don see me finish, i no remain for house" No facades. Take it or facking leave it.

Wow, i feel so much better already!

Broody

So i have finally found my voice, got my writing mojo back. Thanks to everyone who commented on my post, ur kind words really helped. I had to start playing crossword puzzles again in the hopes that words would start jumping out at me again (i cheated sha, used an online thesarus.lol. But i'm getting better)


On to the issue at hand, as you may have guessed from the blog title and picture i have been feeling very broody lately, i want to have a baby. As in seriously, i stare longingly at babies everyday, random babies in the street, on the bus, in the supermarket. I even smile and coo at them till their paranoid mothers hastily push their buggies away. I see babies everywhere and this is not helping matters at all. Sometimes i want to stand in the street and stomp my feet till someone pities me and hands me one. I wish it were that simple. I love babies and i have looked after so many babies in my life that i'm so surprised i even have enough love for my future babies. I was 8 when my first niece was born and i quickly relocated to my sister's house and displaced Mumc from her omugwo (Ibo peeps hope i got it right)By the time i was 9 i could change diapers and bathe a baby as young as 3 months, i could make the formula, feed and burp the baby and at a point i was the only one who could make my nephew sleep. By age 12 i had gained the title of favourite Aunty as i never ate my provisions in boarding school but took them back home for my batallion (This also gained me the title of stingiest Junior girl) By the time i was in university i had a total of 11 nieces and nephews, at a point my sister traveled on courses and left me to take care of her 4month old son. So now i blame all these children who made me fall in love with them and then grew up into young men and women that wont even hug me anymore (apparently its embarrassing)

Now i roam the streets lusting after strange babies in buggies, each time i walk into a store i even browse through the children's department and look through the clothes, mentally dressing up my little girl and her brother. I think how those shoes would look good on her and how i'd braid her hair and put those coloured beads in them and then seconds later i think i'm going gaga.

Today there was this woman on the bus with her daughter who was about 4 years old and they sat there opposite me and talked about their respective days. I couldnt help eavesdropping, Mother said she hates Mondays cos she's always so tired at the end of the day but Daughter loves Mondays cos she has PE at school. Then Daughter showed Mother the sticker she got at school for good behaviour and in that moment i swear i almost cried. There was this strong longing inside me and just then i wanted what they had, that bond, that easy and natural conversation. I know motherhood is not all pink roses and blue clouds, i waited in the hospital as my sister went through 2 days of labour, i've rocked babies to sleep at 2am at night when my body was screaming for sleep, i've worried about sick babies who looked so helpless and couldnt tell you what was wrong, i've also had my share of bratty babies and the mess they make but i still want it all. All of it, the whole experience cos that's part of what makes it so special and the bond so strong. To have a person that is literally a part of you, a person that you brought into the world and are responsible for, a person that would evoke the strongest feelings you would ever feel.



This feeling comes and goes mostly, i know i love children and cant wait to meet mine (9 months is long sha o) but sometimes, like now, its such a strong feeling. I also worry that i'll be one of those women that love their kids more than they love their husband or even worse those women who want a husband just so they can have kids but then i convince myself that i'd love my husband in a different way, i'd love him more because without him i wouldnt have such perfect kids but then i think again, what if armed robbers came to the house and said i should choose between my husband and kids. Of course i'd choose my husband, he loves us and that's what he'd want me to do. lol.
You probably think i'm nuts right, don't worry i think i'm nuts too. it's probably all the hormones from being broody.

Purging

I haven't been able to write anything meaning for a while now, i try and when i look at the words i just give up. Maybe it's some kind of blogger's blog but its even affected my fiction and the notes i take in class. I've never been that student that gets the teacher word for word so i try to reproduce what they have said in my own words but lately i find that the words have been hard to come by. It's been hell, like i've lost my voice again, only this time its a voice that matters much more than the voice that comes out of my mouth.

School is getting stressful, dont get me wrong i didn't come into this whole thing with an idea that doing a masters under a scholarship would be a walk in the park but its been harder than i thought. I'm struggling with one particular class that's so advanced. I mean there are people here that practiced tax law for 15 years before taking this class and there's me who did some tax research for a tax paper my boss presented and thought "hey this is interesting i should do international tax law" Sometimes i feel i'd have been better off studying latin than that class. I know i shouldn't hate a course or the way it's taught or anything cos it'll affect my mindset but i cant help it. The best i can do though is put in some extra work in that area.

Plus i've been looking for part time work and its been unproductive thus far, i mean a lawyer wanting to work as an office administrator or receptionist should be a breeze nes pas? not so! In fact no leads and i'm seriously getting tired. How the else am i supposed to know if staying back here after my degree is in the cards for me if i cant save up enough money to have that option? Besides even if i am going home at the end of the day, am i supposed to return like the broke prodigal son? Honestly i tire and i havent even started.

I just needed to release all the concerns i have, maybe if i let them out i'll feel better, maybe seeing them in words will put things in perspective. Which was why i needed this purging.