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Friday, October 23, 2009

MY GAYMOMETER, THE BOBBIT AND A MILD CASE OF OCD

This is going to be a very organised random post about mainly three things, anything else wouldn't fit into the title and would totally mess up my zen!

First, the gaymometer. I invented this device like 2 or 3 weeks ago, precisely when it dawned on me that i would be living in this freezer for the next year (or more)Anyways sitting on the tube or the bus can be so boring at times (at least in Nigeria you could buy anything ranging from gala to an LCD TV in traffic)so i decided to invent the gaymometer. What the gaymometer does is to measure any random guy on a scale of 1 to 10 on his gayness level. It started this one day when i saw a guy on the bus in tights (manty hose) a knit dress, knee-high lace up boots and the cherry on the cake, a patent bag. Instead of thinking about the tax class i was running late for, i started analysing what category he fell into, was he gay, tranny, psycho or what. I mean gay men are usually meticulous (the ones i want to be my best friend, in the style of Will & Grace at least) and that knit dress was way too shabby, so i just concluded he was either a tranny, a psycho or a psycho tranny. Since then the gaymometer was born! It's actually fun using it, i give a point for anything patent leather, shoes or bags, 2 points for a man-bag! Ultra-skinny jeans get 2 points, 1 point for slick, nicely put together hair, another for eyeliner and recently eyelash extensions! I hear that is all the rage now. Oooh and my personal favourite, a crisp shirt with an argyle sweater tied loosely around the neck. I mean that is gayer than Carson from the Fab Five.

Second random, you know those thingies people put up on the dashboard in their cars, maybe like baseball stars, with a skinny body and a huge head that just keeps bobbing up and down? Anyways i call them bobbits and i've seen a life size one. It was my Commercial law class and i sat next to this babe that kept nodding at every sentence the teacher made. I mean, i get it that sometimes you totally agree with or can identify with something your teacher says and then you nod your assent. Well this babe nodded at every thing and i mean EVERYTHING. Even when the teacher said we might need to change venues, she kept nodding till i started to feel sorry for her, i mean those were some vigorous nods. Now anytime i see her the word "bobbit" just pops in my head. Hope i dont call her that one day!

Last but definitely not least. Hi, my name is Neo and i have an obsessive compulsive disorder, albeit a mild one. I'm not as bad as people who count steps or turn on and off lights a certain number of times. I dont carry plastic cutlery in my bag cos i cant use the ones at the takeout place. I dont scrub my bathroom floor with lysol everytime i have to take a bath. My OCD is a very mild one, some of the things it makes me do include the following:
1. I like the front of everything facing out, like my cereal box, how the hell am i supposed to know its Frosties, if its turned the other way, right?
2. I cant stand cancelling a word or sentence in my notebook, if i do it just stares at me and picks at me, till i've torn out that page and done it all over again. Sometimes it may be my writing that picks at me.
3. I fold my clothes in a particular way and put them away blunt side facing me, no layers (which is why i knew that the cleaning lady had looked through my african print clothes!)
4. I cant stand using a toothbrush without a hygeine cap, sometimes i buy really crappy toothbrushes just for the hygeine caps and then use them on my good brushes.
5, This is probably the strongest of them all, I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT SHARE THE SAME SPOON FOR CEREAL OR GARRI WITH ANYONE! Not my boyfriend (whom i constantly excahnge oral fluids with btw) or my closest friends or my 11 month old newphew who slobbers baby spit all over my face! I can share a spoon for rice and anything else that doesnt consist of 80% of water. It just seems like the person would be rinsing their...arrrgh! You get the point. This was such an issue for my ex, who thot maybe i didnt love him enough to get over my "little phobia"

The list is much longer but i'll stop here before i start to realise maybe its not so mild afterall. I do have this friend though that will fold all her clothes all over again if you so much as touch them! See i'm not so bad after all!

8 comments:

Rene said...

u really aren't bad after all but urz isn't mild.
lool @ life size bobbit

gaymometer huh?

iphyigbogurl said...

loool...kai!!! NEO......your OCD get as e be sha...but like rene said. its not that bad.....
lol@bobbit.... i have a couple of bobbits in all my classes.

hahaha.... nice post.

Neo said...

@ rene, i was almost comforted for a minute, u were supposed to be telling me that the OCD is actually mild. will send the bobbit to bob at u!
@ iphy, thanks jare at least im not the only one seein the bobbits!

muyiwa said...

lol at your classmate nodding her head

flygirl said...

i see gay people everywhere............lmao
can't really complain.....er...em i won't
enjoy a little OCD won't hurt....see mister monk...

Sumptuous said...

Lol @gaynometer, ur bobbit classmate na wa oh! And yeah, I tink we've all got doses of OCD but ur own don dey pass 'be careful'. You seem to be settling in well and having fun.

Neo said...

@ muyiwa, u have to see it to fully undastand
@ flygirl, good thing i'm not alone on that one, thanks for stoppin by
@sumptuous, i'm recovering frm the OCD small small and yes o i'm all settled in! thanks!

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