Broody

So i have finally found my voice, got my writing mojo back. Thanks to everyone who commented on my post, ur kind words really helped. I had to start playing crossword puzzles again in the hopes that words would start jumping out at me again (i cheated sha, used an online thesarus.lol. But i'm getting better)


On to the issue at hand, as you may have guessed from the blog title and picture i have been feeling very broody lately, i want to have a baby. As in seriously, i stare longingly at babies everyday, random babies in the street, on the bus, in the supermarket. I even smile and coo at them till their paranoid mothers hastily push their buggies away. I see babies everywhere and this is not helping matters at all. Sometimes i want to stand in the street and stomp my feet till someone pities me and hands me one. I wish it were that simple. I love babies and i have looked after so many babies in my life that i'm so surprised i even have enough love for my future babies. I was 8 when my first niece was born and i quickly relocated to my sister's house and displaced Mumc from her omugwo (Ibo peeps hope i got it right)By the time i was 9 i could change diapers and bathe a baby as young as 3 months, i could make the formula, feed and burp the baby and at a point i was the only one who could make my nephew sleep. By age 12 i had gained the title of favourite Aunty as i never ate my provisions in boarding school but took them back home for my batallion (This also gained me the title of stingiest Junior girl) By the time i was in university i had a total of 11 nieces and nephews, at a point my sister traveled on courses and left me to take care of her 4month old son. So now i blame all these children who made me fall in love with them and then grew up into young men and women that wont even hug me anymore (apparently its embarrassing)

Now i roam the streets lusting after strange babies in buggies, each time i walk into a store i even browse through the children's department and look through the clothes, mentally dressing up my little girl and her brother. I think how those shoes would look good on her and how i'd braid her hair and put those coloured beads in them and then seconds later i think i'm going gaga.

Today there was this woman on the bus with her daughter who was about 4 years old and they sat there opposite me and talked about their respective days. I couldnt help eavesdropping, Mother said she hates Mondays cos she's always so tired at the end of the day but Daughter loves Mondays cos she has PE at school. Then Daughter showed Mother the sticker she got at school for good behaviour and in that moment i swear i almost cried. There was this strong longing inside me and just then i wanted what they had, that bond, that easy and natural conversation. I know motherhood is not all pink roses and blue clouds, i waited in the hospital as my sister went through 2 days of labour, i've rocked babies to sleep at 2am at night when my body was screaming for sleep, i've worried about sick babies who looked so helpless and couldnt tell you what was wrong, i've also had my share of bratty babies and the mess they make but i still want it all. All of it, the whole experience cos that's part of what makes it so special and the bond so strong. To have a person that is literally a part of you, a person that you brought into the world and are responsible for, a person that would evoke the strongest feelings you would ever feel.



This feeling comes and goes mostly, i know i love children and cant wait to meet mine (9 months is long sha o) but sometimes, like now, its such a strong feeling. I also worry that i'll be one of those women that love their kids more than they love their husband or even worse those women who want a husband just so they can have kids but then i convince myself that i'd love my husband in a different way, i'd love him more because without him i wouldnt have such perfect kids but then i think again, what if armed robbers came to the house and said i should choose between my husband and kids. Of course i'd choose my husband, he loves us and that's what he'd want me to do. lol.
You probably think i'm nuts right, don't worry i think i'm nuts too. it's probably all the hormones from being broody.

Purging

I haven't been able to write anything meaning for a while now, i try and when i look at the words i just give up. Maybe it's some kind of blogger's blog but its even affected my fiction and the notes i take in class. I've never been that student that gets the teacher word for word so i try to reproduce what they have said in my own words but lately i find that the words have been hard to come by. It's been hell, like i've lost my voice again, only this time its a voice that matters much more than the voice that comes out of my mouth.

School is getting stressful, dont get me wrong i didn't come into this whole thing with an idea that doing a masters under a scholarship would be a walk in the park but its been harder than i thought. I'm struggling with one particular class that's so advanced. I mean there are people here that practiced tax law for 15 years before taking this class and there's me who did some tax research for a tax paper my boss presented and thought "hey this is interesting i should do international tax law" Sometimes i feel i'd have been better off studying latin than that class. I know i shouldn't hate a course or the way it's taught or anything cos it'll affect my mindset but i cant help it. The best i can do though is put in some extra work in that area.

Plus i've been looking for part time work and its been unproductive thus far, i mean a lawyer wanting to work as an office administrator or receptionist should be a breeze nes pas? not so! In fact no leads and i'm seriously getting tired. How the else am i supposed to know if staying back here after my degree is in the cards for me if i cant save up enough money to have that option? Besides even if i am going home at the end of the day, am i supposed to return like the broke prodigal son? Honestly i tire and i havent even started.

I just needed to release all the concerns i have, maybe if i let them out i'll feel better, maybe seeing them in words will put things in perspective. Which was why i needed this purging.

Letter to Jasper

If you know you promised to stop reading my blog to allow me freely express myself , kindly stop here. You know yourself, there is no reason to read the blog, i am only 100yards away and available for the exclusive.

Dear Jasper,
I miss you. Everything that i feel is summarised in those 3 words.

I miss the dreams of a future with you and the feeling of being that lucky one that could say i married my first love.
I miss talking about what our house would look like or how many kids we'd have and argue about what we'd call them.
I miss taking care of you when you're sick even though your whining used to irritate me.
I miss going to the movies with you and laughing when you'd call me a cheap date cos I didnt want to go to fancy restaurants.
I miss smiling at you across the room as our eyes shared secrets others would never know.
I miss you cooking for me and pretending to love the meal you made even though that one time the stew tasted like oil and salt.
I miss how you never forgot anything i said and how you used to surprise me.
I miss touching your head and teasing you about your baby soft scalp.
I miss you teaching me drive and even managing to smile that time i hit the bottom of the car so hard on the speed breaker.
I miss you jumping on a plane and surprising me at home.
I miss missing you when we were apart.
I miss you holding me in that way that told everyone "this is my woman".
I miss you holding my hand whenever you were driving.
I miss you telling me that i didnt have to gain weight that you liked me the way i was.
I miss loving you.

But i also blame you
I blame you for not changing the little things that mattered to me
I blame you for not working hard enough at getting the life you wanted for us
I blame you for not being the man that i know you can be
I blame you for letting me let you go
I blame you for letting me go and then wanting me back
I blame you for letting me love you and the pain it caused me to let you go
I blame you because it just hit me that you may not be my forever

This is what i wish i could say to you, each time we talk but instead we talk about school and the weather and how we're doing. I wish i could tell you that i have let you go, that i want to love someone else, that i want my heart to race again, that i want to conjure an image other than yours and smile.

I wish i could tell you that i want to relish the butterflies in my tummy and the smile that tugs the sides of my mouth when i see him because it reminds me that my heart is still there and that it does something other than beat, it lets me know that I can feel something again, for someone else, that i can love again, if i allow myself. If i let go.

Insomnia!

Its past 2am and i just "woke" up. Can i even say that when technically i never went to sleep. Just lay there in the dark coughing my lungs out. Everything hurts! I want my Mommy. This all so alien to me, i hardly get coughs and now i'm hacking every five seconds. It wasn't so bad when the cold started, at least i could sleep, but it all just went bad this night. I'm so saaaaaaaaaaaad cos i really really really want to sleep. I could cry right now and i dont have anyone to whine to, i'm sure the coughing is keeping my flatties awake but it just wont let up. I've tried everything i know, i even did the whole crushed garlic mixed with honey bit (yeeeuch!)I've almost o'd on a bottle of cough mix. I'm so so frustrated cos i hate this feeling of helplessness. Damn this stupid country and their stupid viruses! Yet they worry about stuff like malaria, would take malaria over this anyday, at least with malaria all i do is sleep. omg i jus yawned. This is serious punishment o. I even tried to call the out of hours helpline and they were referring me to the National Pandemic line. It's not swine flu you eejit! I wish i had valium or something honestly...sigh. Hmn okay i just called the out of hours service and they will be "phoning me back" it is now 2:15am.......

.....cough....cough....cough...ouch. This would be funny if it werent so saaaaaad. Now i'm laughing. Okay the GP called at 2:25. Not bad, at least if it were an emergency maybe i wouldnt have died. He sounded Ibo sef..lol. Reminded me of the "Chemist" on my street in PH. I almost asked him if he was Nigerian but the cough no gree me. He said i should go sit in the bathroom and turn on the hot water taps and let the steam clear my airways. Hmn...didnt sound like doctorly advice. My mother could have told me that. I kinda expected him to say "I'm sending some meds over, the Nurses will push 15 ccs of Lorezapam into ur system" Too much Greys Anatomy abi? Honestly i would have felt more reassured, than this going to sit in the bathroom matter. Is the cough not punishment enough already. Plus he said i got the wrong cough mix, apparently i need the one with codeine (ironically that was the one i picked first o, then i saw the cheaper Vicks one...lol. It wasnt only the price o, that one was flying off the shelves apparently, well now i think about it maybe it was flying off the shelves cos it was cheaper) Hmn.

Okay so i'm off to sit in the bathroom for 30 minutes...serious punishment. Thank you blogger for being there for me when no one else was. Gosh i need a boyfriend! If i had one i would have woken him up and whined from here to Antartica! I miss Bee, anyways even if we were still together, he would wake up if he were inside Big Ben and it struck 12!

Bathroom beckons. Updates later!