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Saturday, November 7, 2009

Letter to Jasper

If you know you promised to stop reading my blog to allow me freely express myself , kindly stop here. You know yourself, there is no reason to read the blog, i am only 100yards away and available for the exclusive.

Dear Jasper,
I miss you. Everything that i feel is summarised in those 3 words.

I miss the dreams of a future with you and the feeling of being that lucky one that could say i married my first love.
I miss talking about what our house would look like or how many kids we'd have and argue about what we'd call them.
I miss taking care of you when you're sick even though your whining used to irritate me.
I miss going to the movies with you and laughing when you'd call me a cheap date cos I didnt want to go to fancy restaurants.
I miss smiling at you across the room as our eyes shared secrets others would never know.
I miss you cooking for me and pretending to love the meal you made even though that one time the stew tasted like oil and salt.
I miss how you never forgot anything i said and how you used to surprise me.
I miss touching your head and teasing you about your baby soft scalp.
I miss you teaching me drive and even managing to smile that time i hit the bottom of the car so hard on the speed breaker.
I miss you jumping on a plane and surprising me at home.
I miss missing you when we were apart.
I miss you holding me in that way that told everyone "this is my woman".
I miss you holding my hand whenever you were driving.
I miss you telling me that i didnt have to gain weight that you liked me the way i was.
I miss loving you.

But i also blame you
I blame you for not changing the little things that mattered to me
I blame you for not working hard enough at getting the life you wanted for us
I blame you for not being the man that i know you can be
I blame you for letting me let you go
I blame you for letting me go and then wanting me back
I blame you for letting me love you and the pain it caused me to let you go
I blame you because it just hit me that you may not be my forever

This is what i wish i could say to you, each time we talk but instead we talk about school and the weather and how we're doing. I wish i could tell you that i have let you go, that i want to love someone else, that i want my heart to race again, that i want to conjure an image other than yours and smile.

I wish i could tell you that i want to relish the butterflies in my tummy and the smile that tugs the sides of my mouth when i see him because it reminds me that my heart is still there and that it does something other than beat, it lets me know that I can feel something again, for someone else, that i can love again, if i allow myself. If i let go.

7 comments:

Dark Neo said...

First!!!
That is a lot of missing ... must have been hard!
That is a lot of blaming ... must have been necessary!

histreasure said...

2nd...yeah.
since you guys are talking maybe you could let him know how you feel.. that way,you could finally let go...and move on

muyiwa said...

missing!missing!blaming!is this a fiction or fact,lol

Neo said...

@ dark neo, yes and yes
@ histreasure, its easier said...
@ muyiwa, much of life is fiction!

Nice Anon said...

Stew tasting like salt and oil na bad thing o! lol
the effort counts though right?

Neo said...

@ Nice anon lol! yep more points for effort than culinary skillls.

Eknoreda said...

Aww Neo... i feel like hugging you right now!!!!