Letter to Jasper

If you know you promised to stop reading my blog to allow me freely express myself , kindly stop here. You know yourself, there is no reason to read the blog, i am only 100yards away and available for the exclusive.

Dear Jasper,
I miss you. Everything that i feel is summarised in those 3 words.

I miss the dreams of a future with you and the feeling of being that lucky one that could say i married my first love.
I miss talking about what our house would look like or how many kids we'd have and argue about what we'd call them.
I miss taking care of you when you're sick even though your whining used to irritate me.
I miss going to the movies with you and laughing when you'd call me a cheap date cos I didnt want to go to fancy restaurants.
I miss smiling at you across the room as our eyes shared secrets others would never know.
I miss you cooking for me and pretending to love the meal you made even though that one time the stew tasted like oil and salt.
I miss how you never forgot anything i said and how you used to surprise me.
I miss touching your head and teasing you about your baby soft scalp.
I miss you teaching me drive and even managing to smile that time i hit the bottom of the car so hard on the speed breaker.
I miss you jumping on a plane and surprising me at home.
I miss missing you when we were apart.
I miss you holding me in that way that told everyone "this is my woman".
I miss you holding my hand whenever you were driving.
I miss you telling me that i didnt have to gain weight that you liked me the way i was.
I miss loving you.

But i also blame you
I blame you for not changing the little things that mattered to me
I blame you for not working hard enough at getting the life you wanted for us
I blame you for not being the man that i know you can be
I blame you for letting me let you go
I blame you for letting me go and then wanting me back
I blame you for letting me love you and the pain it caused me to let you go
I blame you because it just hit me that you may not be my forever

This is what i wish i could say to you, each time we talk but instead we talk about school and the weather and how we're doing. I wish i could tell you that i have let you go, that i want to love someone else, that i want my heart to race again, that i want to conjure an image other than yours and smile.

I wish i could tell you that i want to relish the butterflies in my tummy and the smile that tugs the sides of my mouth when i see him because it reminds me that my heart is still there and that it does something other than beat, it lets me know that I can feel something again, for someone else, that i can love again, if i allow myself. If i let go.