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Thursday, February 11, 2010

What do we mean when we say "I want you to be happy?"


Really, what do we mean? I'm asking because i need to evaluate myself and what i meant when i said those words too. I meant it but probably on just one level, be happy as a person because the one of the reasons my ex and i split up was because he was just very unhappy (his best friend died and all of a sudden it seemed like part of him died too) not be happy as part of a couple that doesn't include me So in the post-breakup talk i said "i just want you to be happy" Now i wonder what did he think i meant?

We think of the 1st Corinthians love when we think of love.

Love is patient, love is kind, it doesnt envy, it doesn't boast, it isn't proud, it's not rude, it's not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs, it doesn't delight in evil but rejoices with truth, it always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres and it never fails.

But we forget that sometimes love is selfish and self seeking, we want love to make us happy, sometimes at any costs. I'm not saying the 1st Corinthians love is not achievable, i'm saying i haven't gotten there yet. God is the only one i love with that kind of love and for everyone else i'm a work in progress.

My point is when i broke up with my ex and told him that i wanted him to be happy, i meant "be happy by yourself" not with some other girl that makes you smile the way i did. When i realized this a few days ago i gave myself a hot mental slap, I was a bad bad person, it was selfish, how could i claim to love him as much as i did and not want him to move on, i was trying to move on, didn't he deserve the same? Then i thought about it and realized that i didn't want him to move on because i loved him, not because i wanted him to sit in a corner for the rest of his life and rue the day he lost me. I'm not a bad person, i may be a selfish person but if i am love made me this way.

How did i get to this point? When we were together he told me once that I WAS IT! That if for some reason we didn't end up together he was done with love (might i add here that his ex cheated and then dumped him for his friend) Being the love cynic that i am (dont blame me, i grew up with a dozen brothers so i have the inside info) i never believed him and i was like "yeah right" But when i spoke to him a couple of days ago and asked if he was seeing anyone now, he didn't give me the standard i'm-still-in-love-with-you i expected he just said the whole process or build up to being with someone else was just too stressful for now. Silly as it sounds, i felt betrayed, like he couldn't even be bothered to lie to me anymore, like he had given up on "us" I would have liked him to tell me that he wasn't dating because it would have been hard to find someone that was better for him than i was, i'm not saying i would have believed him but it'd have been nice to hear. I'm not saying that we'd ever get back together, i would have at least felt better if he still "lied" to me.

I just think that if you've really loved someone in that strong way that the magnitude only truly hits you when they're gone you cant say "Go ahead and be happy" and mean it a hundred percent. You think "i should be the only one that can make you happy" "you should be incomplete without me" You think that way because maybe, just maybe he/she is the only one that can make you happy or complete. Maybe or maybe you're just a screwed up selfish grinch of a person.

So i need to know if i'm just some badly wired emotional dysfunctional human being, that's why i'm asking if you've said or those words what did you mean?

21 comments:

Enoch said...

1st. Where's my present?

Enoch said...

"I'm a terrible terrible person." -Leggy

I guess this question is for ladies because we all know that we men don't fall in love.

I did fall once though, and it was a very jealous&juvenile love. It was nothing like Agape. Couldn't have brought myself to say "I want you to be happy" if it meant without me. Too jealous like that.

kay9 said...

:) Neo i think u'r just having withdrawal blues. Give yourself time to move on, at least 3-4months, then maybe u can truly say u "want him to be happy".

Omotee! said...

agree with kay9, time will only tell.

i used to wish my exes would say there's still no one like me, i find it hard to move on etc but it doesnt happen that way, guys move on fast and dont dwell over how much they miss u (usually)

P'sy-A-wana said...

its funny how much this speaks to me...I broke up wiv my ex (she did the breaking) and I was out of it for a while, but we spoke and I told her to be hapyy, I guess I was hoping we'd get 2geda again, there were a lot of girls but I was still hung up on her...it took me seeing her wiv someone else to realise that I had to move on...No one wants what no one has......you are not selfish only human

Myne Whitman said...

You're just human dear. It may take time but when you begin to get over the hurt and pain, it will become easier to express the open love you once had for the person.

Have a sweet valentine dear.

histreasure said...

i know that feeling where u're still hung up on him and he no more says he cant find another 'you' but hug yourself tight and be rest assured, time heals it all, yeah.. talking with him often might hinder your ability to move on and until you really do move on 'i want you to be happy' would only be you re-echoing a cliché.

hugs dear

Neo said...

@ Enoch, congrats where do i fwd ur lifetime supply of articles from tax analyst to???
@ kay9 i'm actually worried cos it's been a year!
@ omotee, i get ur point, i'm just so...
@ psy a wana, thanks. I know exactly how that feels.
@ Myne, c y i'm so "broken" :-) Valentines will be awesome. Pigging out!
@HT, thanks dear. I know i shouldnt be calling, easier said than done tho

Thanks guys at least no one said i was an evil psycho

P'sy-A-wana said...

You are an evil psycho.....lol

Neo said...

psy a wana, awwwwwww thanks! just what i needed to hear!

muyiwa said...

You know in most cases if you are in love with someone,it might be hard to let go cos of the strong bond between both of you but if going seperate ways will make both happy,so be it

Eknoreda said...

Neo, I just want you to be happy!

Neo said...

@ mUyiwa, sometimes we know something, doing what we shd do is then an entirely different thing
@ Ekna, awww, thanks babes!

Sumptuous said...

Breaking up wiv d person means u can forsee that it wont work. Right? So u want them to be happy but it has to be without you and a part of you is secretly wishing that he comes back broken, confessing dat he cant move on without u. But if dat happens and u get bac 2geda, what happens to d reason for breakup in d first place? Neo dear, time heals all, but some just heal faster than others.

JuaNita said...

*phew* Time's the best healer in this. I know it feels like you're the only one for him and vice versa but sometimes..we just need to take a step back from the mirror to see what's behind us. However..letting go is most difficult..rid yourself of his memories, surely things can only get better. :-)

Neo said...

Thanks peoples, i'm on the train to recovery! The next time i say it i plan to mean it.

Helene said...

You're not a badly wired person for thinking that!! Many of us say it but we don't mean it 100%, just like you mentioned.

I love your honesty and your ability to say what most people feel but would never admit to.

If it makes you feel any better, one time my hubby and I were discussing what we would want for the other one if one of us were to die. He said, "I'd want you to be happy and find love again". I said, "Well, I would want you to spend the rest of your days staring at my picture, knowing that no one could ever possibly compare to me".

Now, that's selfish!

Original Mgbeke said...

It's only human and I think what when we care for people, we get selfish and jealous sometimes. That Corinthians love is almost impossible (to me sha).

Neo said...

@ Helene, Exactly! awwww i feel so much better about myself now.
@ OM i've the Corinthians love is very hard, sometimes i think maybe the only people i can only love that way are my kids.

Repressed One said...

I can't say i don't know what you mean. Like everyone's said you are only human and humans are inherently selfish so you're in good company lol.

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