Updates!!!

Hello peoples, its been a while abi? Men time runs like x2 in these zones, its like i blinked and the week is over, the days seem blurred into one huge mass. So much and yet so little has happened, you get? Its been like this:

School: Lectures are starting to wind up, last lecture is on the 25th of March. Been reading and yet i havent made a dent in my workload. As for my thesis, i dont even want to go there, since my last meeting with my supervisor like 3 weeks ago, i havent touched the thing. I plan to get into it tomorrow (have said this like a million times already) I just dont feel the pull to read and its bad, being on a scholarship means i have to work extra hard to prove to the scholarship board that they made the right decision and that i should be here. Plus i'm considering a PhD studentship so i need to get a distinction.

Money: I'm so broke!!! As in really really, maybe i havent made some wise spending choices in the past, scratch that, i havent made some wise spending choices and i know it. I wish i could be more disciplined as far as money is concerned but as much as i have tried in the past i just cant. Its not just about shopping (which i'm guilty of) but also there are times i just dont value money as i should. Like when i go "oh its just a pound" but when you do that like 10 times it isnt just a pound anymore, you get? So i have sent several SOSs home and i hope i get a bailout soon, if not.....*shudders* "FB yardsale"!!!

Love: Ah the tricky one! My love life has been non existent going on 2 years now, and for lack of a better word i feel "frisky" Pull ur minds out of the gutter people! I miss the intimacy of a hug, a cuddle, a shared smile heavy with meaning, a kiss! I miss having someone thats the one i can tell everything to, the one i want to tell everything to. Ok sappy moment over! My ex and i still talk, fight over stupid things mostly and i know we should be giving ourselves time to let go but we're not so...that's that. Plus i just found out that this nice guy i met just before i left, who seemed almost perfect, like if i had a list (which i dont) he ticked off almost every box, has a girlfriend. I dont know why i'm so bummed by this fact, i didnt expect him to hold out a year for me, we only saw once and spoke on the phone like 5 times but i feel so let down. Is it wrong that i'm secretly wishing he breaks up with this girl just as soon as i get back??? I'm a bad bad person right? She's probably just perfect for him . I mean they work together(i wouldnt want that though, on the up side it would be nice exchanging hot and heavy winks at work) they both went to Ivy League schools and thats all i know. So i'm sad! God, you know you have to give me a "perfect man" (read as perfect for Neo) so that i wont think of all the ones that got away. Amen.

Friends: My friends are awesome, they are supportive, they are they and they (seem to) love me flaws and all, so i'm grateful for friends, old and new. I'm also grateful for my blogsville friends. You guys sincerely have no idea how much it means to me, the fact that you take out the time to read my stuff and drop me a line or two. Thank you all so much

Family: I love my crazy dysfunctional family all twenty something of them brothers and sisters i have (yep, Dad is a chief! lol!) They annoy the crap out of me, they neglect me sometimes but one thing i know is that they all proud of me and that means so much to me. I'm grateful for each and every one of them.

Spirituality: I'm finding time to grow into the woman God wants me to be, it hasnt been easy but i'm reconnecting with my faith again and building myself up again. I spend more time in quiet reflection into the word and its like i see the same things in a different way. I'm a stronger person for it and knowing that just makes me smile. In this crazy world all we truly have is our faith.

So people thats it, my life as it is summed up in one page. Please excuse all typos, no time to edit. I have sworn off sleep till i get these 2 chapters staring at me off my plate.

Have a fab weekend.

The Last thing she said.

When i was younger, i had these friends that lived next door. The first daughter was my "best" friend at the time and she had a younger sister, their Uncle lived with them and was my brother's best friend. I was 10 when their Uncle died in the most tragic of circumstances. Back then the street i lived on was being terrorized by thieves so the boys decided to start a Vigilante group, it was fun how they would whistle to themselves and chase thieves while we would peek from the windows and talk about it the next day. One day their Uncle (Kay) heard a noise in their compound and decided to check it out, he found a man trying to break into his brother's car. The thief had a machete but Kay attacked him and overpowered him, the noise woke his brother who got out his gun and in the dark night saw a man with a machete about to strike another, he shot. And that's how Kay died. It was a really sad period, we were all devastated but i remember my friend's younger sister was more so than anyone else. You see the day he died Kay had bought stuff from Mr. Biggs and refused to give her another meatpie, in her anger she said something most of us had said once or twice. She said "eat it alone and die alone"

And he'd died that night and it broke her that that was the last thing she had said to her uncle whom she really loved. That was around 14 years ago.

Another friend of mine lost her Dad yesterday, he had been sick a while and had just returned from surgery abroad when he died. Her Dad was a really nice man, he genuinely seemed interested in what was going on with everyone of us kids that had grown up on our street. Anytime i went over to theirs he would say "Is that Neo?" It was sort of a customary greeting, one i had grown accustomed to and maybe took for granted. Like i would always go there and he would say "is that Neo?"

His death got me thinking about my own father. My father is pushing 80 and has one stroke and prostate cancer behind him. He now has a live in nurse to help take care of him and doesnt talk much these days. It's hard to see him like that cos my Dad was a strong, proud, tall man. He had the sort of personality that filled a room when he walked in. He's a chief and so when i was young i remember troops of people from the village coming to the house to ask him to settle one dispute or the other. He used to call me his GF(girlfriend) Then he got sick and everyday i felt like a part of him was slipping away and i started to slip away too. I didnt want to see him like that, weak and tired. I wanted to preserve the memories of my hero and that was how i wanted to remember him. I started to prepare myself for the day he would die, i told myself that i would be able to handle it cos sometimes it seemed he was gone and all that was left was the shell of the man he had been.

But today it just hit me, that i cant remember the last time i saw him or what he said, all i have is a vague recollection of that day. I cant remember the last thing i said to him. We're not a family that's big on I-love-yous but i want to tell my Dad that i love him and that he was a good father. He taught me one of the biggest words i knew at 5, he used to say i looked "psychedelic" each time i just had my hair done. He used to take me everywhere with him.

Right now all i want is to see my father, even if it means sitting in silence or holding his hand and making him feel as safe as he made me feel. So each morning i pray for him with a renewed fervor that God keeps him alive so that i can see him again, talk to him again.

What do we mean when we say "I want you to be happy?"

Really, what do we mean? I'm asking because i need to evaluate myself and what i meant when i said those words too. I meant it but probably on just one level, be happy as a person because the one of the reasons my ex and i split up was because he was just very unhappy (his best friend died and all of a sudden it seemed like part of him died too) not be happy as part of a couple that doesn't include me So in the post-breakup talk i said "i just want you to be happy" Now i wonder what did he think i meant?

We think of the 1st Corinthians love when we think of love.

Love is patient, love is kind, it doesnt envy, it doesn't boast, it isn't proud, it's not rude, it's not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs, it doesn't delight in evil but rejoices with truth, it always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres and it never fails.

But we forget that sometimes love is selfish and self seeking, we want love to make us happy, sometimes at any costs. I'm not saying the 1st Corinthians love is not achievable, i'm saying i haven't gotten there yet. God is the only one i love with that kind of love and for everyone else i'm a work in progress.

My point is when i broke up with my ex and told him that i wanted him to be happy, i meant "be happy by yourself" not with some other girl that makes you smile the way i did. When i realized this a few days ago i gave myself a hot mental slap, I was a bad bad person, it was selfish, how could i claim to love him as much as i did and not want him to move on, i was trying to move on, didn't he deserve the same? Then i thought about it and realized that i didn't want him to move on because i loved him, not because i wanted him to sit in a corner for the rest of his life and rue the day he lost me. I'm not a bad person, i may be a selfish person but if i am love made me this way.

How did i get to this point? When we were together he told me once that I WAS IT! That if for some reason we didn't end up together he was done with love (might i add here that his ex cheated and then dumped him for his friend) Being the love cynic that i am (dont blame me, i grew up with a dozen brothers so i have the inside info) i never believed him and i was like "yeah right" But when i spoke to him a couple of days ago and asked if he was seeing anyone now, he didn't give me the standard i'm-still-in-love-with-you i expected he just said the whole process or build up to being with someone else was just too stressful for now. Silly as it sounds, i felt betrayed, like he couldn't even be bothered to lie to me anymore, like he had given up on "us" I would have liked him to tell me that he wasn't dating because it would have been hard to find someone that was better for him than i was, i'm not saying i would have believed him but it'd have been nice to hear. I'm not saying that we'd ever get back together, i would have at least felt better if he still "lied" to me.

I just think that if you've really loved someone in that strong way that the magnitude only truly hits you when they're gone you cant say "Go ahead and be happy" and mean it a hundred percent. You think "i should be the only one that can make you happy" "you should be incomplete without me" You think that way because maybe, just maybe he/she is the only one that can make you happy or complete. Maybe or maybe you're just a screwed up selfish grinch of a person.

So i need to know if i'm just some badly wired emotional dysfunctional human being, that's why i'm asking if you've said or those words what did you mean?

I am not my Hair!

Okay i'm back and better! Sorry for that my last depressing post, as far as Nigeria is concerned we can do the best we can as individuals and hope that its enough, cos what else can we do???

Anyways to the matter at hand, aha my hair. Where do i start? I have a love-hate relationship with my hair, though its mostly hate-hate right now.

My ex decided to go all dreadlocks on me one time and i hated it, he looked so unruly! I complained about it so much and then one day we were in the car and i was nagging him about it, he didnt say anything he just skipped a couple of songs on the radio till India Arie's "I am not my hair" came on. We had a good laugh about it but today i was just thinking about it and i miss my old hair, the one i had when i was in primary school till that evil secondary school made me chop it off. I miss that hair cos i WAS that hair, heck i AM that hair.

It was long, black, silky and very strong. How do i mean? If i were to describe myself and blow my own trumpet simultaneously i would say that i am long, simple in a way that's complicated, deeper than i let people see, not just the bubbly, Dame-smile-a-lot that i let everyone see. I wont cry in public but that doesnt mean i dont feel things. Sometimes i feel "bigger" than the stuff that's going on around me, like little spats.

I am black and proudly so, in all this talk about Mutallab, missing presidents, religious crisis i am sorry to say i will not be wrapping my green passport in old newspaper, but on the other hand I am not going around moaning how disadvantaged i am being black, wearing my skin like a badge to force "political correctness" Maybe the white woman on the train didn't want to sit next to you cos u smell like you never heard of soap. Don't get me wrong i do not intend to belittle the racist debate, it does happen but it's high time some people stop hiding behind it and get a life.

I am strong, probably cos i had to grow up early and fast, i have been through things in this life that makes me realize that at the end of the day you are all you got, just you and God. No family, no friends. There's a limit to the loyalty i can get from people around me and the sooner i realized that the better for me. How many people out there could you say would 100% die for you? As in die die, not "i will cross the ocean for you and excavate the moon from the sea bed kinda promises" If it came down to it, to taking a bullet who would do it for you? And who would you let?

I am silky, smooth, suave. I can woo LASTMA sef...lol. I have a sweet tongue, more like a double edged tongue, sweet on one side, sharp on the other. Trying to blunt one side though. I know what you want to hear and maybe, just maybe i might tell you. Probably comes with growing up with a gazillion brothers.

So which is why i hate the current state of my hair, its weak, brittle, hasn't made up its mind if it wants to be black or brown. So i have decided to chop it off, not going all Amber Rose on you, have already gone down that path once, this time i'm going for something more chic and yet defiant. Just waiting for the Big Freeze to pack its bags and head back to Siberia and then its scissors here i come.

Take a look at my hair journey....

Yep, it's my hair not a hedgehog!


Attempting to tame the bush


Erm...not very successful



When all else fails...cornrows (aka Ghana weaving)!


Or my fave...braids or as i like to call em Get-up-and-go!


Finally, my future look! (future being anytime from now to say 6 months).


So thats it! I'll be taking this pic to the salon and when i get the semi-big chop i'll put up a pic and see how well they did.

Sheesh this uploading pics is helluva work! Off to dinner, dodo and peppered stew!

Why are Humans so wicked???

I came here to type a really nice, maybe funny post about how i have been putting off updating my blog and how i had to force myself to do it before i lost all my wonderful followers (thank all of you who take the time to read my (mostly) rants and comment, as for my last post i'm taking popular advice and giving love another chance)

Anyways i was just on facebook and someone put up a video about the Jos crisis, i read the warning and i still watched it, so i have none other but myself to blame. I just had dinner and i swear i can feel all the food in my chest refusing to go down. It was just horrible! It wasnt even that graphic, cos the camera was shaky and the people were not in focus, but i watched soldiers drag men off a truck and fired shots at them, multiple times. I cant seem to get the image out of my head and i wonder how i'll sleep this night. It gets me wondering how do they sleep at night? Dont those images haunt them? The countless faces of the people they've killed? Knowing that you put an end to a life. I just dont get it.

Even if you dont believe in God or an after-life, dont you believe in humanity? Even if those people they shot were the fundamentalists that had killed so many others, is that the answer? Do you fight fire with fire?

I'm honestly so depressed right now and i dont mean to put it out on you but i just needed an outlet to get this out.

Love Cynic

Ok so i am strapped in front of my computer after giving myself a stern warning not to so much as look up till i have successfully updated my blog. I need to work on getting that PA seriously, the closest i've come is getting my friends to chat for me...hope they dont read this though. Meanwhile the subject of my last rant is still acting her one man drama. Updates on that later. To the matter at hand...love matters.

Lately i have become a cynic (i was always the realist though but i think i'm being pushed over the edge) especially when it comes to love. I have just become so disillusioned with it that i have decided i can do without it. Dont get me wrong o, i'm not about to dash off to the pound and pick myself up a litter of kittens. I'm not saying i want to be the spinster-aunty forever knitting horrible sweaters nobody likes. I'm just not holding out for the Derek-meredith-you-make-my-world-stop kinda love. I've since modified my standards. I'm looking for a friend, a companion. Even God realised Adam needed a companion, not some hot babe that mad him go ga-ga. Well he did have nothing to compare her to. So i want to meet a nice guy, we become friends and one day decide to take it to the next level, nip into the registry, sign the dotted lines, make 3 cute babies and live happily ever after. Who cares about butterflies in the stomach and "seeing into me" Dude better have a steady 9-5, be "lookable" for the sake of my CUTE children, fear God and not make me want to pull my hair out.

Now how did i get this way abi? I mean up till early this year i was still crying when watching Grey's Anatomy and Love Happens and all those "branding love" movies. Infact i blame the movie industry for driving me over the edge, where in the world am i going to find Mcdreamy unless i crawl into Shonda Rhimes' head and she spits me into an episode of GA? I mean the dude is deevine looking, has better hair than i do, he's a rich neurosurgeon that should look at me like i'm the only thing in the world. Infact i'm emotionally scarred now, i should sue!

Real life isnt any better, i havent been in a relationship in a year and i havent "met" anyone else. I've been content with trying to make myself a better person and "learning to love myself" (cliche i know) but the thing is in the midst of all this i'm getting notifications everyday A is married, B is engaged, C is in a realtionship, D batted her eyes at E and the like. For a moment i felt something like i wanted a part of that but when i sat down to ask myself what it was i wanted i realised that the images that popped into my head werent of me waking up beside my Adonis for the rest of my life, but rather they were of me designing THE DRESS with my good friend Vera Wang or strolling into Cartier to get my rock. I wanted to have a wedding the same way you sometimes feel like having a party, i wasnt thinking about a marriage. In lawyer speak i was looking to the form and not the substance, when the substance is everything. Some people get married and the next day i can almost picture them going "ok, what next?" There's no what next, that's it, that's the rest of your life and you'd better be damn sure it's one that you can live with.

I'll illustrate my point with several random cases.

Case 1
Boy and girl have been dating for years. Girls concludes masters abroad, boy comes over for graduation and proposes. Girl is already picking out wedding dresses. Boy visits Ex-girl while in London. Ex-girl's best friend tells Ex-girl to be careful cos Boy proposed to girl, Ex-girl says it's not true, Boy came to London just to see her.
Funfact: Boy used to beat ex-girl and apparently beats Girl. Me? surprised. Boy is my friend and seems like a really nice person.

Case 2
Boy chases reluctant girl. Girl gives in. Boy says i love you, Girl says i love you. Boys says ur my soulmate and God told me u'll be my wife. Girl is estatic, tells friends. Almost one year on, Boy calls Girl up, says I'm sorry, have met soulmate and the woman God wants me to marry and i love her. Girl is heartbroken, she trusted Boy. Tells me, should i wait for boy? let him know i'm here for him if he wants me back? Me? (want to smack her in head, u nuts?) Instead lovingly say No, you shouldn't, u'll meet better guy.

Case 3
Boy meets Girl. Boy nuts about Girl. Boy chases Girl for 2 years, with grand displays of love, one featuring yours truly. Girl is sad, wishes she loved Boy as much as Boy loves her, says there is no "spark" Me: Boy is nice, good guy, give Boy chance, might grow to love Boy. Girl agrees, dates Boy. Boy is perfect boyfriend. Months later Girl dumps Boy, still no "spark"

So tell me, why wont i be a cynic?

Familiarity breeds silly people - A Rant

Happy New year my people

If they had told me i would start the blogging year with a rant i would have said a vehement NO but here i am about to proceed on a rant that will be full of grammatical errors and typos i will not even bother to correct bcos i am just so....i cant find the word, i will use "full" like i'm about to burst.

Why are people so shortsighted that they cannot see beyond the tip of their nose? Why will people go and knock on the devil's door and say "Satan biko, pls let me be your instrument to derail Sister Neo from the path of her righteousness" Why why why? I swear the next time i hear a person say "it was the work of the devil" I will cast the first stone.

This was why i wanted to leave facebook in the first place, it is just an avenue for some pple to come and say rubbish to you in the name of "friendship"

Incident One
It all started with this guy in my school, we met through a forum for Nigerian students which i incidentally started (when i go learn abi?) Anyways we became "friends" on facebook. When i took my braids out, i just combed my hair out into a huge 'fro and my friend took a pic of me and i uploaded it as my profile pic, a lot of my friends teased me about it cos yes if i had gone out like that people would have given me concerned looks even in this anything-goes-London. So this my new "friend" now decided to comment on the pic. First he was like wow, Faze should have used u for his kolomental vid, at that point i woulda just laughed it off and replied that he wasnt serious or something. No o, that one no do am, the next second he followed his comment with another quip about him having an Uncle that works with NHS psychiatrics and would hook me up. I was like see me see wahala o, from where to where? My friend was like i should "defriend" him but i was like how would he learn so i nicely commented that we had not progressed to the next level of friendship that would give him the swipe card to making expensive jokes as to my sanity or lack thereof. He was immediately contrite and sent me a msg apologizing and also deleted his comments.

Incident Two
There is this blessed daughter of Christ (in my new resolve to speak only edifying words about people) we were in the same class in Uni. We were not chummy but at least we said hello and spoke when the need arose. Now her boyfriend who also went to Uni with us is in my PG class, so we roll in the same circles. This large circle decided to roll together to see a movie and have dinner last week. Long story short, the pics ended up on FB. There was a pic of him with another guy and his loving blessed girlfriend who is in Nig and missing her BF commented something like this:

BDC(Blessed...): Awww i almost forget wat its like to see u smile
Random person: ............C has a funny laugh
Neo: This C that laughs like Naruto?
BDC: Monkey no fine but im mama like am so...Neo u of all ppl should know that.

it's like, as in? Wetin come bring about that one? I saw the comment early this morning but i was like hmn, ok let me not blow a possibly innocent statement out of proportion. My friends who saw it were annoyed on my behalf and suggested i should ask her what that meant. In my New Year resolve to be the bigger person i replied,

"why should i of all people know, i have no "monkeys" in my closet"

I joked about it with my friends all day, only for me to sign in this evening and realize that she had commented on the pic again. Now it was

"@ Neo: i comment my reserve"

And i'm like ok, there's nothing innocent about this one again o. Wetin i do this babe abeg? I cant even say i am close enough to her BF for her to think i am putting the moves on him (that on its own is a laughable concept to me sef) and the boy really laughs like Naruto, i tell him anytime he laughs. So which one is she now taking panadol on top his headache, she for wait small make them put ring for im finger now.

The most absurd part of it is like soem other guy commented that she was there missing her man when he had been razzling jand babes and he had pics to prove it, the idiot, sorry blessed child could not attack that one o, all she said was "boys will be boys" Imagine that. I'm so riled up now that i want to slap somebody and i have never even slapped somebody before.

Anyways we learn everyday, if i had not been shinning my 31 teeth (my last molar has refused to come out o) with all these people would all this have happened? Ehn? So it is my fault that i am ranting on my blog on the first week of the new year about one inconsequential person.

So please forgive me my people, i hope to return in a better mood.

PS: i actually left FB on the 1st for a record breaking five minutes...lol. Apparently when u "leave", to come back all u have to do is sign back in. Now how does that help an "addict" like myself. Its like telling an alcoholic just to screw the cap on tightly. Hiss. Who can blame me?